Uncertainly Beautiful

I read a quote in Mandy Hale's book, Beautiful Uncertainty, that was just written so perfectly in my mind. She wrote, "it doesn't really matter where you fall in the story of anyone else's life, what's important is that you tell your own story bravely". I read this book a couple of years ago. At the time, I was doing anything and everything to forget the events that have happened in my life. I also felt out of place because I was single, a single mother, and I was uncertain about the future. Mandy Hale really put things in perspective for me and I'm so grateful I came across this book. I highly recommend it for all the single people out there.

After reading it, I decided there was something I had to do to make things right. I had to accept the things I could not change. By doing this, I had to accept the past in a way that I would no longer see it as a negative impact, but rather as a positive one. I wanted to learn from it and take only the things that helped me grow as an individual and as a woman. Sharing it with anyone would have never crossed my mind, and honestly, was out of the question until I read Mandy's book. It helped me realize that everyone's story is beautiful and unique. There should be no shame.

In the past few years, I've come across stories of couples who were in the process of a separation or divorce and felt that there was no hope left, so the end result was one or the other taking their own life. Sometimes, both lives were lost. Can they possibly have lost so much hope that it drove them to something so tragic? Every situation is different, I'm aware of that, but no one should lose so much hope that they feel this is the only answer. Life is too precious... and life does go on even when you think it won't.

Back in September of 2008, I found out my ex-husband cheated on me. Now, I can sit here and tell you how heart broken I was. I can tell you what that can actually do to the trust that someone could have towards another. These are things you already know and can be left unsaid. However, what I didn't expect was that I would have to deal with a situation that would be a little different than most cases; a little more complicated. Two lives were lost because of the action of two individuals. Not only did I find out that the person I trusted the most betrayed me, I found out that the woman he had an affair with lost her family in the process. Due to their affair, her husband did the ultimate, most unbelievable and unforgiving thing any human being could possibly do. He murdered their 4 year old daughter and then turned the gun on himself. She was lucky enough to get away. And so was my ex.

Now, I won't get into detail about their affair or exactly what happened that night. That is not my story to tell. What I can tell you is my perspective on this. Somehow, some way, I found a way not to give up even though all the odds were pointing in that direction. I believe that anyone who feels hopeless can find a way not to give up as well. Even though you may think you are alone, you're really not. Everyone goes through break-ups. It's how you choose to see it that makes a difference.

As you can imagine, in my case, anxiety kicked in. I remembered when I heard what had happened, my body completely started shaking uncontrollably. I couldn't stop it. It was one of the worst feelings I ever felt in my entire life. I hate feeling out of control and it just drove me insane. Depression started setting in. I couldn't even eat. I lost an obscene amount of weight because of it. I remember I could not sleep. As much as I would try, I would sleep for an hour or two, and be right awake for the rest of the night. I would wake up in the middle of the night completely drenched in my own sweat. My heart would be palpitating so hard it felt like it was going to come out of my chest. I even had to seek care from my doctor, who then prescribed an anti-depression medication. I took it for about two to three weeks. Then, I had to come off it because it literally made me feel like I was crawling out of my own skin. Nothing was working. Nothing was easing my pain. I knew right then and there I had to let time take its course.

You would think that after what had happened, it should have pushed me over the edge, right? It probably should have, to be quite honest. I'm grateful that it didn't. I didn't allow myself to give up. Why? Because I couldn't leave my daughter behind, no matter how much pain I was in. I thank God everyday for her. She will never know how much she saved me. Also... time. It literally became my best-friend. Even though in the beginning I resisted, I finally allowed time to do its job. I know time takes long to complete its process, but unfortunately, you have to go through it and give it a chance. I sat back and watched its beauty. It really was incredible to watch.

I remember thinking I would never love someone that hard again. There was just no possible way. One day, that changed too. I had fallen again and I had fallen right back out. It didn't hurt as bad as the first, though. Life and time has shown me that I will love again but it also showed me how much I've learned and grown as a woman. Rejection has become easier to accept now. It doesn't break me the way it use to. I just keep pushing forward. It's like Mandy wrote in her book, "when what you're waiting for finally arrives, you'll thank God you never settled for anything less". I couldn't agree more!

Back then, I honestly thought my life was over. What I didn't realize was that there was a beautiful, uncertain future waiting for me. I'm so glad I've stuck around to see it.

So yes, you will fall again but you will get right back up. It's not over. It's far from over. Life has just begun. Sit back and watch it unfold beautifully. Keep your head up and take a deep breath. The sun will rise tomorrow... and the next... and the next...