The Path to Recovery

Everyone has a story they have never told or at the minimum, don't want to speak of. It's been six years since my divorce and I am still dealing with the remanence of it. It reflects in the little things I do... each and every single day. Trust is a very big issue I am facing and learning not to allow it to take over my better judgment has been a learning experience for me.

The betrayal that a spouse feels when their significant other cheats on them is more than indescribable. The overwhelming feeling of anger, anxiety, uneasiness, sadness, and frustration sets in, and not in this exact order. I remember feeling all of these emotions, but I remember feeling anxious the most. I couldn't eat. The sight of food would make my stomach turn. Sleep was over rated at this junction of my life. If I got three hours of sleep, I was just plain lucky. I was running on several cups of coffee a day just to get some type of adrenaline in the mornings. I turned to drinking wine to help take the edge off at night. I would push family and friends away. I didn't want to have to put on a smile to accommodate everyone else because no one wants to be around someone who is depressed all the time or someone who is dealing with a circumstance. I couldn't stand being home, yet, I wouldn't leave the four walls that made me feel safe some way from the rest of the world. I was becoming the worst version of myself and I didn't even know it.

I didn't just have to deal with my husband cheating. I had to deal with the fact that two families have been impacted because of the actions of two individuals; two individuals that did not take into consideration for one minute what the consequences would be. There was loss involved, and I'm not just speaking of a bond that was broken, I mean it in every literal way as possible. I'm still dealing with it in a way and one day I will write about it on my blog. With time, I was able to get myself back on track. It wasn't easy and looking back now it seems so far away. But that doesn't change the fact that I lived through it. I may not lash out the way a divorcee would, but it does impact the relationships that I am trying to build along the way. I'm still pushing anyone who comes my way; anyone who tries to build some form of communication or relationship with me. And sometimes I don't even realize it. I take things too literally and I overthink things way too much. How can I overcome this? I mean, I have overcome so much since six years ago. I am a single mother, who works fulltime and found the time to go back to school and acquire a degree. I am running a household all on my own. This is something to be proud of, and I am, in every single aspect of it. It has build my self-esteem and self worth. It has made me become the person I am today. I realize I am much stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. So why is it so hard to let someone in?

After everything that has happened, I am still a hopeful romantic, not a hopeless one. I refuse to give up.