A Letter to my Past

Thoughts have been running in my head. It comes and goes, and I can't help but wonder if it will ever dissipate. It's time that I face this, it's been time. I've ignored it for too long. And even though I have told everyone that I have moved on, I really haven't let go. What happened seven years ago is something that has continued to follow me. It has changed me in more ways than you will ever know. It has changed me for the good but also for the bad. I don't know where along the way it over powered me. Yes, you will tell me that it made me stronger because I became independent. You will tell me that I set goals that I would have never set before. How I got a college education while I worked full-time and maintained a home as a single mother. How I have grown as a person with no help from anyone we know. But you failed to see how it controlled me to the point that it has made me too strong, too hard, too distant. You took with you the trust I had in people and the good I saw in people. The wall I have built is getting taller every day and I don't even realize it most of the time until someone points it out. Do you think that's fair? I gave all that I had. How do I change this now?

I think back on that weekend in September of 2008. Our lives changed entirely. Who would have thought that we would have died that night? It was our tradition; the bike run, weekend down in the Florida Keys with our closest friends, dual hotel rooms, bar hopping, bike shows, and the like. You killed our tradition and I can't get it back. I remember when you told me you would tell me everything after we got home because after that weekend, things would never be the same between you and I. I never imagined how big the issue really was and how it could cut between us the way it did. You were right. It was never the same after that. Not only was our marriage done, but so was hers. And so was her family.

What you don't realize, and I think you still don't, is that she's not the only one who lost her husband and their four year old daughter because of his actions. We lost our family too in every way that a family can be lost. Do you know how much you put at risk? He could have came here, to our home, and put my life and your daughter's life in jeopardy, all while you were with her. Did you ever think about that? He was crazy enough to murder their daughter and himself. What makes you think he wouldn't be crazy enough to do it to us? He knew too much information, all because of social media. You knew he was dangerous. And then our lives was displayed on the media. And yet, you and her made it seem that you both were the victims. You both weren't the victims, WE were! You both killed all of us. We all died that night. And I was reborn, in another place. In a place I found myself without you.

And yet I have moved forward with my life. I tried to leave the insignificant things behind, exactly where they need to be. I don't regret my decision. God knows I am where I need to be. I have accomplished a lot. I can actually say that I didn't waste these past seven years. I did constructive things, traveled, met many people, and enjoyed life with our daughter as much as I possibly can. But I need to be better. I need to let go of this demon that taunts me every day so it doesn't affect the relationships I try to build in the future. God knows it has in the past. So as the New Year rolls in, I am hoping that this letter helps me leave it all in the past so I can start the New Year in a positive note... a happier note. I want to trust again, fall in love again, be carefree again. I deserve that much.

As this letter represents closure for me, it doesn't mean that it's suppose to cut and wound you. I don't hate you. I never will. I pray that you don't have the same demon I've been carrying since it all happened. Hopefully you found a way to cope with it and left it all in the past. That's all I hope for. So I say good-bye to this part of my past and look forward to what the future will bring. Tom Hanks couldn't have said it better in Castaway - "Tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring".