Self-Love... The Best Gift

Recent events has had me thinking a lot about self-esteem and self-love. When is enough actually enough? I've watched really dear friends of mine go through very difficult separations... and even divorces. I'm not left behind, by all means. However, this time I'm actually a spectator. I've watched them be strung back and forth like a yo-yo by their so-called better halves. I've watched promises spoken break into thousand pieces. I even sat back and recognized that ounce of hope they hold so dear to them. I can definitely relate to all of this. When I was going through the same turmoil, I never really thought about anything but how consumed I was with the pain I was feeling. I had forgotten my self-worth. You can bet my self-esteem was non-existent. Now, while I sit back peacefully and sip my cup of coffee while I type up this blog, I can look back now and try to analyze why most of us, at one point or another, allow to be manipulated in such a way. Why do we allow to be manipulated just because we are consumed with pain? Most would say it's because we are vulnerable at that time. I agree, to an extent. However, I mostly believe it comes down to self-esteem and self-love. I'm not saying this applies to all cases, but it definitely applied to mine.

This past weekend, while at the beach, I was sitting on my beach chair and under my umbrella. I felt so content, so happy. I was enjoying the view of the ocean, the weather, and the people. I felt at ease. I was so comfortable in my own skin. I hadn't always felt this way. I remember when I was married, because I wasn't in a healthy marriage (due to broken promises, infidelity, etc.), I didn't feel comfortable in my own skin at all. I had self-doubt. How could I feel attractive? I would be at the beach, and instead of enjoying it, I would find myself comparing myself with other women, because he had wandering eyes. This is where my lack of self-esteem came in. Due to everything I had gone through, from the time our relationship started, I couldn't be secure with my own self. And mind you, we started dating when I was seventeen years old. So, he was all I knew. I didn't know better. This was just UNACCEPTABLE and I had, somehow along the way, made myself believe it was. Now, this is where my lack of self-love came in.

Things are obviously different now, though it didn't come with ease. I had a lot of work to do on myself after the divorce. First, I had to come to terms with the fact that the only person I can hold accountable for for my lack of self-esteem and self-love was ME. I've learned that the only person that has control on how you feel is YOU. I allowed someone else to have the power and control on how I saw and felt about myself. I had to admit this to myself so that I can try to avoid it from happening again. Second, I had to stop feeling pity for myself and I had to start taking charge of my own life. This is when I started setting goals for myself. I worked hard to accomplish most of these goals and I continue to set new ones along the way. Now, at this point, I have learned not to be afraid to do things on my own. This helped me realize how independent and strong I can truly be. Yes... the self-love journey had already begun. Third, I realized I had to work hard not to allow new relationships suffer because of my past relationship. Even though it's easier said than done, we tend to lash out on those that don't deserve the aftermath from a previous relationship. It's not fair to them and it's not fair to you. You haven't really healed and moved on if you bash everyone for something that someone else has done to you. Not everyone is the same and not everyone is going to commit the same thing. If they do, well you know what to do... let them go. Learn to think and stay positive even on your worse days. Fourth, I found hidden passions I hadn't realized I had before. I know it's hard to find the time to do something for yourself, especially if you have kids. You all know I have a daughter. I found the time to not only spend with her, but I found the time to spend with Myself. My passions... well, I love to write. I love to workout. I love to run. That simple.

With each day that passes, I learned to value myself. I don't sell myself short. It's a work in progress but I definitely learned to see things differently. Things happen for a reason. They always do. If I didn't go through what I went through, I would have never reached where I am today. I love who I am. I am blessed that God has given me the opportunity to find who I truly am. Because I love and respect myself, I radiate that energy to my daughter, my family, and my closest friends. Being a positive influence on my daughter is everything to me. I didn't want to become a bitter woman, though I found myself at one point going down that path. I don't want to live my life angry and shielded all the time. I don't want that for her. I don't want that for me. I want her to see me happy and full of life with no regrets. And that's what I am striving for.

So, to all my friends who are going through or have gone through a separation/divorce, don't forget your self-worth and your self-love. You have control to your own happiness. Only you do.